Chapter 94: Banter and Teasing (Please Subscribe)

Huang Guolun heard Huang Tao asking Bai Yao that question, and when he recalled the little everyday details he had recently noticed, details like the boy always sneaking glances at Bai Yao’s chest, a nameless fury suddenly shot through him.

He slammed the table and barked down at Huang Tao, “What sort of trashy television have you been watching lately?”

Huang Tao was stunned by the outburst. He knitted his little thick brows and said, “I watch all kinds of trashy television.”

“You just never learn, do you!”

Huang Guolun was shaking with anger.

Seeing that he was truly furious, Bai Yao hurried to smooth things over. “Teacher, I think you may have misunderstood Tao Tao. The thing he wanted me to guess was probably a tea bag. It goes in dry, and comes out wet, right, Tao Tao?”

Huang Tao did not know whether he was playing innocent or genuinely did not understand why Huang Guolun had flared up. He puffed out his round little chest and said with complete righteousness, “Right, I meant a tea bag! Dad, what were you thinking of?”

Huang Guolun was mortified.

It was as though he had been struck by a freezing spell; all his anger was choked back down in an instant.

He forced a stiff smile onto his face and sat down. “Ahem. That is what I was thinking too.”

Seeing his awkward expression, Bai Yao pressed her lips together and secretly laughed.

Of course she knew what Huang Guolun had misunderstood, but with Huang Tao sitting there, she certainly could not say it aloud.

At the same time, she could not help but wonder: how could a child like Huang Tao ask such a question and lead a teacher’s mind in that direction?

Huang Tao was suddenly energized, and with puffed cheeks he complained, “Dad, why did you just get so angry at me?”

Huang Guolun put on an act. “I wasn’t angry.”

“That wasn’t angry? You were yelling so loud, louder than a mule braying!”

Huang Guolun held back his irritation and, doing his best to stay calm, found an excuse. “Your uncle said he was coming for dinner. He only told us when he was already downstairs, and I still had to order for him.”

Huang Tao gave him a doubtful look. “Your temper has really been bad lately. You keep shouting at me over the smallest things. Is that really enough to get mad about? Hurry up and find me a new mother! Then someone can help you cool off, and you won’t have to keep getting angry at me.”

No matter how Huang Guolun heard it, that sounded wrong somehow. Cool off? Did this kid even know what that meant?

But thinking it over, he really had been in a short-fused mood lately, always snapping at Huang Tao, and he did feel a little guilty about it.

The child had lost his mother when he was very young and had always lacked a mother’s love. As his father, he was still losing his temper at him so often. It truly was not right.

He felt a pang of silent remorse.

Knowing that as soon as Huang Tao had food in front of him he would forget all his worries, Huang Guolun went into the kitchen and brought back three cups of yogurt, hoping to soothe the little glutton with a sweet bribe.

When Huang Tao saw that Huang Guolun had returned with the same organic yogurt they served at kindergarten, he immediately brightened. His mouth grew honey-sweet as he said, “Yay! This is my favorite yogurt! Dad, looks like you really do love me!”

Huang Guolun thought to himself, well, of course. There is no one in this world who loves you more than your old man.

But with Bai Yao present, he did not say anything so sappy aloud.

Huang Tao unscrewed the lid, then licked the yogurt stuck to it with the utmost gourmand seriousness, and said to Bai Yao, “Sister Bai Yao, hurry and drink some yogurt too. Yogurt after a meal helps digestion. Once everything’s digested, you’ll have room for another meal tonight.”

Bai Yao was amused by him.

After drinking his yogurt, Huang Tao continued chatting happily with Bai Yao. “Sister Bai Yao, do you know which battle in Chinese history had the most extreme odds, where the smaller force defeated the larger one?”

Huang Guolun cut in. “Oh? Not bad. You’ve started paying attention to history?”

Huang Tao licked the yogurt from his lips with his tongue and said to Huang Guolun, “Dad, you can guess too.”

Huang Guolun thought for a moment and guessed, “The Battle of Fei River? Eighty thousand Eastern Jin troops defeated the eight hundred thousand-strong army of Former Qin?”

Huang Tao wagged a finger. “That’s only one to ten. Not extreme enough.”

Bai Yao, influenced by Huang Guolun, guessed seriously as well. “Then it should be the Battle of Kunyang, where Liu Xiu used twenty thousand Green Forest troops to defeat four hundred and thirty thousand Xin troops?”

Huang Guolun suddenly realized. “Right, right, it should be Liu Xiu’s Battle of Kunyang. If I remember correctly, that battle was not only the Chinese historical record for an underdog victory, it was also the most lopsided victory in world military history.”

Huang Tao said disdainfully, “That counts as lopsided? It’s only about twenty to one.”

Huang Guolun asked, “Then what battle do you think had the most extreme underdog victory?”

“Of course it was Sun Wukong’s one-man war against a hundred thousand heavenly soldiers and generals in the Havoc in Heaven! One to one hundred thousand. That is truly lopsided!”

Huang Guolun was speechless. He reasoned with him, “That is mythology, not history.”

Huang Tao, letting his imagination run wild, said, “How do you know that is not history? Maybe there really was a mythical age in history, and maybe there really was a man named Sun Wukong. Maybe hundreds of thousands or even billions of years ago, before dinosaurs appeared, there was an even more powerful divine era on Earth. Sun Wukong was a person from that time... no, a stone monkey from that time, the kind that falls in love with durian and will not let go.”

That made Huang Guolun laugh heartily, and he no longer bothered to argue with the boy. It was not a bad thing for children to let their imaginations run a little wild.

The three of them chatted for a while longer before Huang Guokun finally arrived, dust and weariness all over him from the road.

Huang Guolun went to the entryway to greet him.

The instant they faced each other, Huang Guolun was startled.

Huang Guokun looked at least two sizes thinner than the last time they had met, which had been just the previous week.

Normally, Huang Guokun’s broad, square face had full, fleshy cheeks on both sides, but now his cheeks had hollowed inward.

He still wore his signature slicked-back hair, but there were already quite a few white strands mixed in.

It was clear he had not slept much. Dark, heavy shadows hung beneath his eyes, his eyeballs were bloodshot, and his entire condition looked exhausted to the point of collapse.

Though he was still holding himself together by sheer will, and even forced a smile when he saw Huang Guolun, Huang Guolun could see right through to the anxiety and bitterness in his brother’s heart.

Seeing his older brother worn down to this state, Huang Guolun felt heartbroken and quickly asked, “How long have you gone without sleep? How did you get this tired?”

“Busy, and I can’t sleep anyway. Forget it, let’s not talk about it. Feed me first. I’m starving.”

Huang Guokun changed his shoes, then rushed into the living room like a possessed ghost, greeted Huang Tao and Bai Yao, and sat down to eat.

Bai Yao stood up and politely greeted Huang Guokun.

Seeing his brother-in-law in such a miserable state, Bai Yao guessed at once that the cold reception of The Corpse Bride had hit him hard.

She did not know how to comfort him, so she simply kept quiet, lest she make things worse.

Huang Tao was startled by Huang Guokun’s sudden haggard, emaciated appearance, and asked in bewilderment, “Uncle, are you dieting? The results are impressive.”

Huang Guokun did not know whether to laugh or cry. “What diet? Your uncle is dealing with a problem. I’m so frustrated I have nowhere to put my strength. I feel blocked up all over. Nothing I do feels right.”

Huang Tao pushed the unopened cup of yogurt toward Huang Guokun and comforted him, “Uncle, don’t worry. Drink some yogurt. I’ve had this kind of problem too. You feel blocked up all over and nothing comes out no matter how hard you try. The common name for that is constipation. Eat plenty of food, drink lots of yogurt, push a little, let it digest, and then it’ll come out. Once it does, your whole body will feel comfortable again.”

Huang Guokun smiled helplessly. “You really know how to comfort people!”

Huang Guolun lowered his voice and lectured Huang Tao, “At the table, stop talking about pooping and peeing all the time.”

Huang Guokun waved it off carelessly. “It’s fine. Out of the mouths of babes. Get me a bowl and chopsticks. I need to eat something and fill my stomach.”

Huang Tao eagerly urged him on. “Exactly! This is when you need to eat more. People are made of iron, and food is steel; we can go hungry for anything but our mouths!”

Huang Guokun laughed. “Where did you learn all that? You’ve got quite the little routine.”

“From television, of course. Uncle, whatever trouble you ran into, don’t take it too hard. No one can be suffocated to death by a pile of poop, right? Life is sometimes like constipation. When you can’t get it out, it feels terrible, but no matter how bitter or painful it gets, there will always come a day when it comes out. You have to look forward.”

Huang Guokun’s furrowed brow gradually eased under Huang Tao’s clumsy consolation, and he laughed as he said, “Rough words, sound sense! You really are becoming more and more like a little grown-up. Uncle will listen to you and eat more! We’ll get this pile out of me as soon as possible!”

Bai Yao listened to the exchange between the uncle and nephew and was thoroughly stunned.

The two of them were, honestly, a rather peculiar pair.

And Huang Guokun really did not treat Bai Yao like an outsider at all. He spoke without restraint in front of her, saying whatever came to mind.

Still, that was understandable. Bai Yao was living in their house now; bit by bit, she was becoming less and less like an outsider.

Huang Guolun brought Huang Guokun a bowl and chopsticks, telling him to make do with a little for now and eat more once the fresh dishes came out.

Huang Tao, unusually, fell silent. He carefully studied Huang Guokun’s haggard face, then looked at Bai Yao’s slightly tired one, then at Huang Guokun’s square face, then at Bai Yao’s slightly oval, melon-seed face... his little head kept turning from one to the other.

Huang Guolun asked in puzzlement, “What are you looking at back and forth like that for?”

“Hey, I just realized today that my uncle and Sister Bai Yao look a little alike! Dad, take a close look. Don’t they sort of look alike?”

At the news that he and Bai Yao looked alike, Huang Guokun could not hold back a laugh.

Bai Yao, on the other hand, was utterly embarrassed.

She usually did not like to call attention to herself as a beauty, but to say that she looked like Huang Guokun, with his square face... that was really too much.

Perhaps she had been worn down by recent days of singing practice, and perhaps she had not been sleeping enough at night, but in the past few days Bai Yao did indeed look more haggard than usual, with a faint air of fatigue about her. On that point, she did resemble Huang Guokun a little.

But as for their faces, they were clearly worlds apart.

Huang Guolun said, half exasperated and half amused, “What kind of eye do you have? How do your Sister Bai Yao and your uncle look anything alike?”

Huang Tao gestured seriously with his little chubby hands in the shape of a square. “Imagine taking my uncle’s square face and putting it on Sister Bai Yao’s face. Don’t you think they look very similar?”

Huang Guolun quipped, “With a square face that big, your uncle would look like he belonged on anybody’s head!”

Huang Guokun nearly sprayed out his food. “You two better stop making fun of me.”