Volume 1, Chapter 8: I Have Arranged a Marriage for You

Xie Jiaoyue stood where she was, lifting her eyes toward the lady in the seat of honor.

The lady merely watched her, her eyes filled with a detachment and coldness that Xie Jiaoyue could not fathom. Xie Jiaoyue could not read the emotions hidden in those eyes, yet she felt as though she understood something. In that moment, she found herself wishing she could believe that the person sitting on the high dais had only brought her back to sacrifice her as a substitute for her grandmother’s life. If that were the case, she could deceive herself; she could convince herself that the mother who had accompanied her for years was still a righteous, upright woman who abhorred evil—even if it meant that she herself was treated as the villain.

"Although this ginseng caused you to be bedridden for three days, Ruer meant well. Furthermore, that century-old ginseng was originally intended for Ruer’s dowry; the fact that she was willing to give it to you shows the deep bond of sisterhood."

"Since you are unharmed, let us not pursue this matter further."

Xie Jiaoyue said calmly, "I shall obey your arrangements, Madam."

She had long since grown numb. The gash on her forehead, the lash marks on her back, and the stomach cramps that threatened to steal her consciousness—these were lessons enough.

"No, it was all my fault. I am willing to be punished."

The third young lady refused to rise from the floor. She looked up at Madam Xie in the seat of honor. "Aunt, please punish me. It was I who caused Elder Sister to cough up blood and fall into a three-day coma. I know I was wrong."

"Sister! This is clearly not your fault!" The fourth young lady, Xie Xinyue, reached out to tug at her sleeve. "You didn't know that she would react that way to the ginseng, and besides, she is still alive and well, isn't she?"

*Still alive and well.*

Xie Jiaoyue lowered her eyes, looking at the two younger sisters she had doted on since childhood, and felt a chill deeper than any cellar. Was she actually thinking that she hadn't died yet?

"Xinyue! How could you say such a thing?"

A woman sitting to the side spoke up. She was the biological mother of the third young lady, Xie Ruyue, and Xie Jiaoyue’s second aunt. The woman walked over to them and took Xie Jiaoyue’s hand in hers. She smiled gently, her eyes harboring a trace of heartache.

"All these years, you have been wronged."

Xie Jiaoyue looked up at her. Her second aunt gazed down at her hands. "Life at the Jingjing Nunnery must not have been easy. You have chilblains on your hands, and you've grown so thin—so thin that your aunt almost didn't recognize you." As the woman spoke, tears streamed down her face uncontrollably.

Xie Jiaoyue pressed her lips together. Her second aunt was the only person who had stood by her side three years ago. When Madam Xie had forced her to take the abortifacient, it was this woman before her who had pleaded for mercy. For three years, she was the only one who remembered her niece, visiting her on the mountain every six months. Because of her, Xie Jiaoyue had been unwilling to hold a grudge against Xie Ruyue.

Madam Xie the Second patted her hand, her voice choked with emotion. "It is enough that you are back; it is enough that you are back."

Xie Jiaoyue lowered her eyes and said softly, "Thank you for your concern, Second Aunt."

The Second Madam wiped away her tears and let out a watery laugh. "Silly child, there is no need for thanks." She looked down at the kneeling Xie Ruyue and sighed. "Ruer was wrong in this. Although she meant well, she still caused you to nearly lose your life. Punish her as you see fit; whatever penalty you choose, your second aunt will support you."

The third young lady, Xie Ruyue, also looked up at her. "Sister, I was wrong. No matter how you punish me, I will have no complaints."

"No!" the fourth young lady, Xie Xinyue, shrieked. "Sister did nothing wrong! Why should there be a punishment? If anyone is to be punished, it should be you! You are faking this illness!"

Xie Xinyue shoved Xie Jiaoyue hard. The twelve-year-old girl possessed significant strength, and the push sent Xie Jiaoyue stumbling back several steps. Had Zhiqiu not been behind her to steady her, she surely would have fallen to the floor. The young girl glared at her viciously. "Eating ginseng doesn't make you sick! You are just faking it!"

"Enough, Xinyue." Madam Xie rose from her seat. "I have said that this matter is settled. I said it is not to be pursued, so it will not be pursued."

"Ruer, I know you are kind-hearted, but listen to me—go back and get some rest."

Xie Ruyue dared not defy her command; she looked up at her mother. The Second Madam turned to Madam Xie. "Sister-in-law, Ruer was the one who sent the ginseng, and Jiaojiao only fell into a coma after consuming it. How can we not look into this?"

"Sister-in-law, tell me: did you see with your own eyes that Ruer brewed the soup, or did you see Ruer order the servants to brew it?"

The Second Madam looked up at her, silent for a moment.

"Ruer merely gave her the ginseng. It was she herself who was greedy and chose to brew it into soup. How can this be blamed on Ruer?"

Xie Jiaoyue raised her eyes, staring at the luxuriously dressed woman with dark, hollow eyes. She felt as though she no longer knew her. Was this truly the mother who used to call her "Jiaojiao" and would gently and meticulously draw her eyebrows? She closed her eyes, personally dispelling those memories.

"Madam is... entirely correct. It was my own gluttony; I was the one who drank the soup. This matter has nothing to do with Ruyue."

Having said this, Xie Jiaoyue felt as though all the strength in her body had been drained away. Nothing she said would be believed by the person before her. Rather than let pointless explanations anger Madam Xie, it was better to comply with her wishes and admit to it. Since she was going to die anyway, she might as well let the one who gave her life be satisfied before she passed.

The Second Madam turned to look at her, clearly seeing the silence and fragmentation in her eyes—a silence beneath which lay heart-rending agony. "Sister-in-law, this matter..."

"Enough!" Madam Xie looked at the calm Xie Jiaoyue. "Since she no longer wishes to pursue it, there is nothing left to discuss. Take Ruer and Xinyue away; I have words for her."

The Second Madam sighed. Before leaving, she took Xie Jiaoyue’s hand and patted it gently. "If you need anything, come to your second aunt. I will support you."

Xie Jiaoyue pressed her pale, weak lips together. "Thank you, Second Aunt."

In the vast room, only mother and daughter remained. Madam Xie looked at the daughter she had once been so proud of. "I once thought you were the moon."

Xie Jiaoyue slowly lifted her eyes to look at her and said softly, "No one can be the moon."

Madam Xie gave a mocking laugh. "That is because you are tarnished. Once you are tarnished, you start to believe that no one can be the moon."

*Tarnished.*

Her biological mother ultimately still despised her for being tarnished.

"Aside from a few old servants, I have dealt with everyone else involved. To the outside world, you remain the legitimate daughter of the Xie family, having voluntarily gone to the Jingjing Nunnery for three years to pray for the late matriarch."

Xie Jiaoyue looked up, her hands clenching beneath her sleeves. She seemed to realize something.

"Your father and I have found a suitable marriage prospect for you."

"What?"

Xie Jiaoyue stood frozen in place. What did she mean, a marriage prospect?

"Ruer is to be betrothed soon. You are older than her; if you remain unmarried, it will hinder Ruer's reputation. People outside will think Ruer is easy to marry off, competing before her elder sister." Madam Xie did not seem to think there was anything wrong with this. "Your grandfather has agreed to this union. The day after tomorrow is the Lantern Festival, and the young heir has invited you to go out. Dress well, and mind your speech and conduct—"

"—Never mind. I will have Shuangye and Hongye accompany you; they will remind you of what should be said and done." Madam Xie looked at her coldly. "Though you have returned to the capital, weigh your own status carefully. Do not do anything improper. I will have people watching you at all times."

*Anything improper.* What more improper things could she possibly do? Xie Jiaoyue did not know. But looking at the coldness and indifference in the eyes of the person before her, Xie Jiaoyue wondered: was she worried that she would use her body to beg others again? But she was going to die—what else could she possibly beg for?

As for which young heir she was to marry, Xie Jiaoyue thought that no matter who it was, she should not drag him down. A broken, withered flower—whoever she married would only find her repulsive. Especially since she was a nun who was about to die.

"I cannot marry."

Madam Xie watched her coldly. "What did you say?"

"I am no longer a maiden..."

*Slap!*

Madam Xie struck her across the face, her expression twisting for a moment. Her chest heaved with rage. "How dare you even mention that?"

*No longer a maiden.*

These five words were like a brand of shame on Madam Xie’s face, a naked reminder that her purest, noblest daughter had lost her virginity, spreading her legs for an unknown man like a harlot.

Xie Jiaoyue slowly knelt on the ground—she did not even reach up to touch her numb cheek. She was in such pain, yet she had to feign such calmness.

"I cannot marry," she said slowly. "You personally gave my household registration to the Great Master Jing and said with your own lips that I was no longer a daughter of the Xie family, but a monk in the Jingjing Nunnery."

Every word Xie Jiaoyue spoke felt as though she were carving into her own heart, personally tearing open the bloody, painful memories she had refused to recall.

"You wretch!"

Madam Xie looked at her, seemingly wanting to say something yet unable to explain anything. Xie Jiaoyue listened to the epithet and slowly looked up at the lady who stood high above her. If she told her now that she was dying, would this woman who was her mother in name only feel any heartache?

As Madam Xie looked down, she saw her daughter's eyes. Those eyes, once clear, had become gray and clouded, as if filled with deep disappointment toward her.

*Disappointment.* What right did she have to be disappointed in the mother who had raised her?

Madam Xie felt a sudden urge to gouge out those eyes that pained her so deeply. She turned away abruptly and snapped, "If you want to kneel, don't do it in front of me; you are an eyesore! Someone! Take the second young lady to the ancestral hall!"

Her voice trembled with fury. "If you like to kneel so much, I will let you kneel until you've had enough!"